i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
