so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
