I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
BRING THE BAGELS
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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