If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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