I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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