Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
