The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
