we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
