Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
