Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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