I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
