Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
