I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
