We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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