video games are the ultimate cock blocker
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
