My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
