boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
