Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
