Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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