Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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