how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
