my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
