mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
