No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
