so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We had to coat check the pizza.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
