Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
