four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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