How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
