it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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