If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
