Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
