Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
