Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Drunk is a universal language darling
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
