Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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