my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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