My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
