hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
