Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
