i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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