He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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