words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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