literally had 100 drinks last night.
another moral hangover. fuck.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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