I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
