And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
