He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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