I skipped work to stalk him.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hippo gnu deer
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
