She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Success! We fucked roommates!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
