I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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