Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize