my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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