I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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