i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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