im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
