: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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