Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
