hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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