remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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