in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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